I am trapped within the world of K-pop, without really even being into K-pop! If you read my previous entries in this category, you already know that I had the same intention of being on K-pop stan Twitter as Donald Trump has of exiting the White House gracefully: basically none. But well, here I am, a year and a half later, running a fanbase, driving a humanitarian project to help the starving children of Yemen in the name of the idol I stan for her birthday. I have never done a humanitarian project myself, I mean sure I’ve donated to causes I care about, but not like a lot.
The point is, I am way too invested, and these people, these kids and peers I’ve met there, are friends and they count on me. And all I want to do is leave.
It’s the validation and the illusion that they require my expertise, my strength, the heady feeling when they praise me because goodness they’re just young people, kids, who don’t know better yet. Fighting on Twitter with trolls or other people who ‘dare’ to hate on ‘my’ idol, and being hailed a hero for…words, harsh words upon an account I sometimes forget is a human being.
Even with my own guard rails, I find myself thinking, “This has to be a fourteen year old kid. Why am I fighting with an angry teenager online?” Agreed that the teen is lashing out in a base way, dehumanising a celebrity as though they have no feelings but…even so, my role in this entire thing is what exactly? Especially knowing trolls and kids like this spewing vile shit online are suffering awfully in real life. But then I’m here too aren’t I?
You’re reading this, looking in from the outside at a culture, a system so remote from you or how you function that you think this is truly something you would never do. Just remember the last time you got addicted to something, anything – drink, drugs, a toxic person, food – you’ll understand.
Let me break it down for myself as well, what are the ingredients this entire situation is made of:
- A ‘worthy’ cause – a talented idol, but defenceless, no way can she save herself, so I shall save her and stand up for her – she needs me.
- A sense of belonging – there are others like me applauding me for my devotion to her, positive reinforcements for a behaviour. I feel a sense of kinship and form friendships and attachments.
- A sense of power – my fandom is large and we can bully the evil people. But we aren’t wrong, we are crusaders, our way is right and anyone else who tries to come for our idol or us, shall perish. We run this town, don’t mess with us.
- Struggle for power – even within the fandom, having my opinion heard, making people believe my opinion because I am the best person for it, and through that conviction I set up accounts and fanbases that I’m become responsible for.
- A sense of being needed – now I have friendships, responsibilities and an idol who just needs me in her corner. And each one of us reinforce this for one another. We have only each other, the idol only has us.
- A distraction – from the perceived emptiness of my own life, a channel to let out my frustrations, enough emotions and drama to keep me occupied, each notification serving a dopamine hit.
These are usually the things that make up a lot of situations that aren’t healthy for us. Actually, this is pretty much how religion works. A lot of it makes me feel pathetic, even though it’s human to want to be loved, to be needed, to feel in control so you feel safe. But I have arrived at the point where I need to leave.
Now the question remains, how do I say this, without making it seem like I’m abandoning people?
insearchofthebeautiful 