It is rather sudden, the idea that I am unloved, not needed. Right in the middle of playing Ludo with family. For no other reason than tiny incidents stacked together one on top of another like a Jenga tower, finally ready to topple. Incidents that mean no more than a look or a certain vibe, nothing concrete, everything inchoate. Shocking my dormant insecurity awake and hyperventilating.
Eyes brimming, I tap the colorful pawns on the screen. It is irrational. I struggle against the rip current. Struggle, struggle and then it is tiring, so okay, let me see this trip through.
Let me stay here at the bottom of the ocean, holding my breath, here where the riptide brought me like a friendly sea creature to show its collection of rusting trinkets and bones of people long forgotten. Here where the water weighs like a mountain. Here where I want to stop having eyes, or a nose, lips or arms or legs, not a heart and definitely not a mind. Here where I wish to not be, but still am.
insearchofthebeautiful 