Poems From Arabia

I’ve been reading this book of Arabic poems, a compilation of works of pre-Islamic and Islamic poets. Before this book I read The Dutch House by Ann Patchett, a style of writing that’s direct, clear and a little less than it is more. This was a drastic shift of pace.

Here, there are several layers of meaning to transcend, the first glaring layer is the fact that it is translated to English. As someone who knows Hindi and has a functional knowledge of basic Urdu, I know that there are at times no words in English for a word or words in these languages. Second, the way the words flow, especially in Urdu are soft, poetry through phonetics, English translations often appear clunky and unwieldy. So I understand the translators liberal use of hyphenated pairs of words because they’re trying to get the right nuance across and it’s not coming through with one English word alone. The flow of the poem is stilted, cumbersome and yet beautiful in the visions it paints. So let’s say about fifty percent of the soul of the poem essays forth in a translation, that fifty percent is also worth reading.

It’s fascinating to read the thoughts of a 6th century poet, a nomad, a warrior, his metaphors from nature and animals, and weather. His longing for love, often separated due to travels, his devotion to his tribe and his bravery in defending them. There are more men of course, for history records men’s voices often times, giving them gravity, where as women’s words are meant for (in this case) the tents. It’s especially infuriating as women from those times were known to compose poetry, elegies for their departed family members. This is not to say there is no representation at all, just noticeably fewer in number.

But the themes are common, beautiful descriptions of rain and ancient Bedouin life. The language is complex, like a maze, to hold a thread of thought, and watch it go back and forth is difficult. Needless to say it makes for a slow read. What I learnt is this tradition of poetry started with early pre-Islamic poets like Imru Al Qais, indeed, he is the oldest poet in the book and one of the seven authors of Mu’allaqa or the hanging odes/poems. It usually starts with a sorrowful remembrance, a yearning for a past love and then moves onto current life, travels, warfare, animals etc.

These poems have a multi-thematic qasidah form, and that’s why for me as a reader it was difficult to get used to the switch from one topic to another within one piece. It is not a poem about one thing, but many things and wends through the words with no warning of when the shift will occur.

The imagery – lush, juicy. With the exception of references to places and things that even the translators had to transliterate to English and that are so ancient that even Google can’t help, the metaphors or allegories are sharp even if written with byzantine words, you can see the woman’s smooth Ariel-white neck as the poet describes it, or the lightening like a flash of teeth of black-eyed maidens laughing in joy, or joyance as the translators called it. Now I am mid-way through this book and the poetry is becoming slightly more contemporary, I mean it still is medieval times, approaching 9th, 10th, 11th centuries but easier to comprehend.

So many poems of love now, we are well into the Islamic era, I wonder if embargoes on who you can love became sharper there than the ones due to the nomadic life and tribal customs of the pre-islamic, polytheistic era. Either way, the pain wafts in, sharp yet sweet. How can agony be thus and described in that exact way so you feel it too? Ask Urdu, and in this case Arabic translated to English.

I went on a little trip to understand ancient Arabia, and ended up taking a little crash course in history. Of course when we were taught all about the middle east, I had zero interest in learning but now that I want to know, it’s fascinating.

Potpourri Of The Head

My mind’s in a spiral, a dog chasing it’s own tail. At 12 am, when the lights switch off and the velvet of the blanket cloaks me, makes me yet another shape in the dark and then throughout till 3 am, when I’m ready to hold the barrel to my forehead, a soothing cold, a promise of rest.

The electric blue of the heater’s panel interrupts the dark, displays signs, to the lost? No, just signs that it is alive and that it works. That’s what’s important. Time scored in two phases: does it work? or does it not work? If then structures made for such potentialities. The world has all the answers to the questions that aren’t hard.

I think of rebuttals, of injustices done to and forborne by me, of decisions I didn’t take sooner. I think of women hammered down to believe relationships are formed by losing bones, especially the spine. I think of women whittled down to believe they must have an opinion on everything, no pass to say, ‘I don’t know’, and learn and come back to it. Ignorance is a privilege afforded to no one, not even men, but especially not women. 

But we are ignorant, about so many things; of how the next month or week will shape up, whether an earthquake or a virus will shut the shop down, make it impossible to hug or touch or sit in a restaurant and drink a hot chocolate. Yet, we pretend we know. We plan like immortal beings, trading the most precious present for mirages, trembling, shivering promises of the horizon. 

What of the women, the mothers, and the women without children made mothers of their mothers and siblings? All of them bearing the pain of doing too much only to be requited with a spiked arrow in their hearts. “I have done so much for you and this is what you give me.” I was one of them, the childless mother, giving away more than I could afford to and wailing at the world when it refused to acknowledge it. Now I teach myself to give what feels all right to give for free, nothing more. But I see them around still, mouths open, heart on their palms begging someone, anyone to take it from them. I can’t. You shouldn’t be giving your heart away, you need it.

Perhaps I shouldn’t allow anger to charge out from the stables, a wild horse, frothing at the sight of anyone trying to temper it. I just want a breath, the vines have held me so tight for so long, the dirt pressed so tight against my eyes and ears and chest that I’ve forgotten what air tastes like. Sweet, rushing air.

When I wake up, my eyes are tired as though the struggle to sleep and then pretend to sleep was physically taxing for them. My mind is setting cement, hard and heavy and slow. There was fog when I woke up but the sun broke through. Up on the terrace, I stole moments to watch the plants and the obscene gloriousness of flowers. Tarts, I call them with love, reclaiming the word as is my gender’s right. My mother pouts and complains at the ones who refuse to show up.

“Why aren’t they blooming?”

It’s not her fault, it’s the fault of our species, narcissists all of us. Flowers don’t bloom for us, our care isn’t their concern. They come, open up, twirl into being on their own time, never early, or late, but on time for each one that appears. They arrive for the propagation of their house, their badge, their insignia. Same with children.

I wonder at a lot of things today, how I am reduced to a trembling heart. Water, unable to hold its shape. I long to flow to the ocean but they’ve made all these dams, and so I’m damned to stay stagnant, licking the shores for a scrap of light, forming currents underneath that will take whatever they find in their grasp, because they won’t let me flow. I won’t let me flow.

Did you know it’s possible to be so cursed that even ghosts refuse to haunt you? Mine left a while ago, some times they’ll come visit, perhaps out of pity. After all we were together all the time back in the day when things weren’t the way they are now. Distance from an event grows exponentially with each passing second until it feels like another lifetime, light-years away.

Love And Bones

I swear she doesn’t mean to,

She swears she doesn’t mean to,


But she takes a hammer to my spine,

Claw tips set upon my forehead

Begin a trail, raking down

Deep into my chest.


She blows shrapnel my way as a flying kiss,

Offers me saguaro thorns in a welcome drink,

We were a tessellation but she’s using 

A rock pick hammer to cut distance.


So forgive me if I feel fragile, 

For a black moon has risen within.

I’ve drunk down a drop of death

And it’s savouring my body.


My benighted soul eats itself,

Asking me what does it mean to love?

If I draw this question on a beach with a stick,

Wave-kissed sand will crumble into a desert.


That’s what I am wet sand, stuck together,

Drying up to rise and be carried away.


You want me without bones,

Bones hurt when you hug,

So you crush them,

Break them,

Ground them,

All in the name of love.

Fragile

I haven’t posted here in a while. Wish I could say I’ve been writing at the very least but no dice. However, it’s been a…week. I did write something to sum up the major part of it though. The words just up and flew from my heart and onto the screen like they’d been perched, waiting for a signal.

Here’s what I wrote:

Some days, even a look

will cut me crying

like I’m made of tears.

Some days, the sea,

blue, green, grey, silver, gold,

in all its hues will turn stranger.

Some days, there won’t be a

single landmark or sign familiar

from the past to lessen the feeling of lost.

Some days I will fight something

within me but it’ll look like I’m fighting you.

Some days…I ought to apologise

but I am unable to breathe out a coherent sound.

On days like that, can you please be gentle?

Because I break hard and easy, who knows why.

And I’m used to the alternative:

collecting myself to get back on my feet.

But it’d be nice,

on some days,

to have someone

treat me the way I feel

from marrow out to the tip of the hair on my skin:

Fragile.

The Ghosts And I

Sometimes when she’s lonely,

She climbs the dusty stairs

Barefoot, bright-eyed,

Fingers tracing a path

Through the dust

On the handrail,

Cobwebs like connections

Between spindles below.

She ascends to the attic

And sits with the ghosts:


A music box rusting away,

Its song breaking out of tune.


A gilded mirror covered with dust,

With no one looking into it.

Two cigars in a pack

That soaked up the damp.

Paintings fading away in frames

With no one to look at.

An old iPod with precious songs

But the buttons have stopped working.

Things that ought to be noticed,

Things that ought to be held,

Things that ought to be loved.


So what does it say about me,

She wonders, holding a page,

Upon which the words

are losing colour and form,

When this is the only place

That feels like home?

Woh Baarish Ki Pehli Boond (That First Drop Of Rain).

It rained today. Suddenly, out of the blue. Or rather the grey.

I was working out when I heard frantic banging on my room’s door. As I unlocked it, my mom zipped past to the balcony, yelling, “Clothes! Rain!”

As she grabbed them all and yanked them to the dry safety of the room. I saw the sky had turned to a surly grey and rain was pouring down in earnest with that sharp sound that mixes ‘t’ and ‘s’, kind of like ‘tss’?

Thunder came rolling into this scene. And I inhaled petrichor.

By now the three of us, my dad, mom and I have made our way to the living room and are staring out the netted door at the wet terrace.

My dad says in Hindi, “Jab baarish ki pehli boond tapti dharti pe girti hai…” (When the first drop of rain falls upon the parched earth), I was listening raptly, “…tab yeh khusboo aati hai.” (that’s when this scent is released).

Somehow there is an odd disappointment that shoots through me at the end of his sentence. I don’t want the sentence to end like that.

“Can we end it differently?” My dad looks bemused and my mom, though on her phone, glances at me in enquiry before going back to scrolling through all the right wing news rampant on her Facebook timeline.

I know he doesn’t get what I mean. But it is important to me all of a sudden, to get the end right. Why? I don’t know.

“Jab baarish ki pehli boond tapti dharti pe girti hai…” I repeat, looking at my Dad but searching deep inside, “tab dharti khil uthti hai?” (When the first drop of rain falls upon the parched earth, the earth begins to bloom).

Before he can say anything, I flick off the end I put up – it is still wrong.

“Jab baarish ki pehli boond tapti dharti pe girti hai…” I struggle now because Hindi isn’t the language I naturally express myself in, “I’m thinking in English,” I explain with a laugh to my parents. Mom has put her phone aside now and Dad is trying to help.

“Jab baarish ki pehli boond tapti dharti pe girti hai, tab dharti usko apna bana leti hai,” my mom offers. (When the first drop of rain falls upon the parched earth, the earth accepts it as her own.)

I actually like that, it is closer to what I want to say but that’s when Dad said, “This also has a connotation.”

“I know what you’re going to say — ” impatience tinges my words because banal isn’t what I am going for.

“It’s usually used to depict a revolution or any change in the system, where the first few drops that falls on heated earth, evaporate,” my Dad has reached a stage where he will say what he wants to, even if I tell him I know what he’s going to say. After all it is our biggest privilege and irritation that we know the scripts our parents repeat to us all our lives.

“I know Dad,” I say, trying to explain the wrongness of these endings, “But I’m looking for a…new end. Like Mom, what you said, I want to — “

Again, my mind is grasping for and seeking in Hindi.

“Pyaar kabhi kabhi aisa hota hai jaise woh baarish ki pehli boond tapti dharti pe gir, mitne ko taiyaar hoti hai.” (Love at times is like that first drop of rain falling upon parched earth, ready to erase itself)

Shaking my head at the clumsiness of the sentence construction, I try again.

“Pyaar kabhi aisa bhi hota hai, baarish ki pehli boond tapti dharti pe gir…”

When the first drop of rain falls upon parched earth…and I’m unable to land it just right in Hindi. It’s frustrating. 

So later that night I call in the artillery by texting my friend, Zib, the poet. He asks a few questions before giving me a framework for the thought:

“Pyaar aisa bhi hota hai kya,

Jaise baarish ki pehli boond,

Chorr apne baadalon ko

Taiyyaar ho, iss tapti dharti ko bas

Choone ko,

Marne ko,

Mitne ko.”

 

“Is there even a love like this:

Like that first drop of rain,

Leaving its cloud,

Is ready for the parched Earth,

To touch it,

To die for it,

To erase itself for it.”

He then proceeded to tell me that he’d also written something along the similar lines once, but in English, as I was striving to write in Hindi now. That gives us both a good laugh since the languages we had attempted to frame the same thought in were not our go-to languages.

But yes, I think after a long struggle, he wrote it right. In fact, I do say my translation is a bit lacking, but then don’t we always lose something when we translate? And gain something too?

 

 

Makeup After Party

The parties are the best part:

Diving into a champagne flute,

Rising high on gold bubbles

That laugh out of her mouth.


Back home silence paces the room,

Sitting in front of a mirror, she smiles,

One heartbeat, second, third, fourth…

Smile fades like the setting, drowning sun.


Her eyes are art of the blackest kohl,

And lips a shimmering red invite,

There is a hint of applied blush,

Above a foundation that never shakes.


She glances at the cotton on the dresser,

Then at the fancy makeup remover,

Her gaze travels up along the black dress,

From hinted cleavage to her silent, brown eyes.


She raises a hand to her mouth

And rubs the lipstick from side to side,

A cloud of red explodes around her lips

Like she has devoured a living heart.


She rubs her eyes and the darkness spills

To form bruises and dark circles underneath,

And no matter how hard she tries,

The black cloud does not fade away.


She watches her face now,

Wondering if there are answers

Etched somewhere in the mess

That would make parties unnecessary.


She thinks of her bag of compliments,

Filled to the brim…

Bursting at the seams…

And wonders why it still weighs so empty.

Defacing Walls

It was never the lovers whose names
were carved as scars onto my heart.

It’s the friends,
The colleagues,
The mentors,
It’s the people I loved,
In a way that the world
Sees as a pale second to romantic love,
Who keep carving their names afresh
On the walls of my mind,
Each time they’re scrubbed clean.

The hotel guest

Is it all right to admit that you still wander the corridors of my mind?

Like a guest at a remote hotel, the kind you find and forget,

A sudden, grey apparition along a road as dark as charred wood,

That guest who refuses to vacate his room, or pay his dues.

And each time you tread at leisure through these hallways,

The yellow lights flicker as I try to lock all doors in futility.


Your atoms remember mine, even if your mind forgets,

Do you let me out of the suite I occupy in your head?

To wander free in your hallways as you wander through mine?

To run my hand casually along the shifting colours of your walls?

Or do I sit on the cream sofa, waiting for you to unlock the door,

After you’ve loved your pretty painted dream of 5 days for years?


Oh, but you try and you try, to erase this room,

All records of it you try to burn,

You pull down the words, poetry that shaped you,

You pull down the connections, social media block.

But what will you do about the room, dearest friend?


Because the strange thing about us is,

And has always been,

When you are in my head

I know I am in yours.